chewbacca becomes american citizen

i knew that wookie was british. i could tell by his accent. this sort of reminds me of that time i was going to the airport lounge with vero in tucson and we walked in to see the lovermakers, and dude at the money box goes, 'did you hear the princess died?' and i screamed in all my airheaded glory, 'princess leia died?' and then i realized that i was a dumbass and he was talking about diana. still, you can see my confusion.

mickey, mickey, mickey.

you know, you are my main bitch and everything, homes, but please, sweet baby jesus, mickey rourke, let's pull it together. you and me, babe. you and me can figure this thing out. dude, shiny paisley? hair plugs? no and a no. the surgery needs to stop. come on, now. you are rumblefish. I miss you. (call me.)

dirty dirty sock monkey

okay not for nothing, but this is so wrong, it's right.

sock monkey porn i know the lot of you are curious what string of google key words got me to this place, and really, i can't tell you, but porn was not involved, yet somehow, i always get to the porn, don't i? so, if you have children, i would stop scrolling now and tell them mummy needs another drink.actually, my blog box isn't letting me add pictures for some stupid reason, so just click the link. the one withthe two sock monkeys is very very naughty indeed, but the logistics are quite interesting. like, if you too didn't have, ahem, bones, think about the different possib...oh, nevermind.

i have a confession to make.

most of you know that i am not a fan of soda. it hurts my throat and i complain about that. and it makes me hiccup and feel gross. i get seriously rammy and crazy, like a six year old on a hershey bar, and angry and kick people. plus, what i have read about your teeth and soda. GROSS. but right now, at 10:45 am, sitting at my desk, i can honestly say that:


i'm a pepper.

other than that, it's really a pretty normal day at the office.

10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage is Wrong

01) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

02) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

03) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

04) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

05) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

06) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

07) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

08) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

09) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.
this was posted in craigslist's best of section, but i thought it deserved a repost somewhere.

war of the rosas and sleep

yeah, so it's 2:30 in the am and i am on the computer, which means i'm hitting critically productive strides towards another bout of insomnia. once i actually leave the bed and turn on a light, i'm past the point of no return. i've cleaned my office, well, sort of. i can't bear to put laundry away from last weekend. it will soon be this weekend. this i think makes me feel like a failure as an adult in many ways, the fact that there are some domestic chores in which i simply throw up my hands and say 'i cannot bear it right now'. and so sits the third world squalor that is my office. i currently have a load of towels with detergent in the broken washing machine downstairs replete with $1.25 in quarters. an uberwenschen adult crime scene. some sort of maturity police might come in and arrest me.

it is late, and i imagine myself face to face with the little shits that are eating my peanut butter sacrifices. yes, that is right, the rosas are back. war is on, baby. currently, i have one mouse under my belt, and i have carved one little notch into the trap. i feel like that kid in red dawn:

'all that hate is gonna burn you up, boy.'
'it keeps me warm.'

oh, i just had a frightening thought, i am so glad the mice don't parachute into the kitchen and speak russian and spanish interchangeably, that would be horrifying. or if they had wings. shutter. one down, 147 left to go. no, i don't know how many of them live here, but cheeba, the neighbor's cat, does a fan-fuckin'-tastic job of chasing them to floor three where their audacity and arrogance make me want to exact a sort of roman punishment upon them and their kin. they are currently getting incredibly talented at eating the peanut butter off the trap without setting it off. little fuckers are evolving. i only killed junior, a little baby mouse and he was damned cute for being a dead mouse. i hear the little 'avenge my boy' squeaks from under the stove.

all this being said, i received my daily writer's almanac poem. today's poem is from an anthology called A Cappella: Mennonite Voices in Poetry. here is "Instructions" by Sheri Hostetler:

Instructions

Give up the world; give up self; finally, give up God.
Find god in rhododendrons and rocks,
passers-by, your cat.
Pare your beliefs, your absolutes.
Make it simple; make it clean.
No carry-on luggage allowed.
Examine all you have
with a loving and critical eye, then
throw away some more.
Repeat. Repeat.
Keep this and only this:
what your heart beats loudly for
what feels heavy and full in your gut.
There will only be one or two
things you will keep,
and they will fit lightly
in your pocket. 

maybe i sort of needed that. what are my absolutes? right now, i have no problem with the critical eye part, but the loving part is escaping me. i know i need to sleep, but experience and a lifetime of not-sleeping has made me keenly aware that this will not come easily and without some kind of internal peace summit and/or drugs.

current mood: not fucking sleepy.

so, just curious, does anyone remember the four years in which i stopped dropping the f-bomb on a regular basis and snapped at people when he would say the f-word? perhaps i should try to reinstitute that again. it's really unbecoming, no? and i may drop it in front of a child or something.

i wrote down this quote about two months ago while talking to my sister on the phone from work: "I just saw a bear rip off a fish's tail. I didn't need to see that. Stupid Animal Planet."