police beat

it always amazes me the police section of the morning call, i mean, the attention to detail intended to help the public fight crime. really. it's touching. i actually really like the prostitution solicitation writeups. like "joe schmoe, who lives at 1234 isuck lane with his wife and three children, solicited an undercover police officer for sex. mr. schmoe offered the undercover officer 20 dollars for oral sex, while also performing an obscene gesture to the undercover officer." which always begs the question, if it were 50, would we be reading about it?

i used to read the police beat out loud when i worked in a-town, and say, "NOW THAT IS NEWS! prices for blow jobs are really going down." i don't think my strict catholic bosses appreciated the commentary. anyway, i thought we should introduce a measure at city council to just bring back the scarlet letter. why the fuck not?

anyway, from the lehigh valley's morning call police section today. a gem. i have conveniently highlighted (highlit?) the part that i found so funny that chef salad came out my nose.

Police Search For Robber Who Stripped To Boxers

PALMER TOWNSHIP

Palmer Township police Tuesday released a surveillance photo of a man who robbed a Subway shop on William Penn Highway.

Police said the man stripped to his underwear after holding up the sandwich shop at 3047 William Penn Plaza at 3:45 p.m. Saturday

The man, who had numerous tattoos on his arms, chest and back, was last seen running in his boxer shorts, apparently toward a getaway car that may have been driven by a woman with red hair, police said.

The robber, who police said indicated he had a weapon though did not show one(i got your weapon right here, booya! ), was described as 6 feet tall with a medium build, short dark hair with tattoos on both arms, chest and an hourglass-shaped tattoo on his back from his neck to his waist in a faded green.

Before stripping, the man was wearing tan khaki pants, flip-flops, a long-sleeved white shirt with a flowery hunting design of ducks and dogs. Police said they have all the clothing except for a Yankees baseball cap he was wearing. (and boxer shorts apparently .)

Police describe the woman he was seen with as having a thin build, with red hair pulled back in a ponytail. She was wearing turquoise shorts and a tank top.

Police did not say how much money was taken in the robbery.

so this police story brings many more questions that it answers.

1. or a. how the hell did this guy get nekkid? there HAS to be an incredibly interesting story here. come on now, i have never in my life gone into a restaurant, and somehow ended up in my undies. never. let alone when one is robbing a store, i mean, you usually are pretty focused one would think, when robbing a subway. like, is there a camera? yes i would think that. did the doofus running the register push the police call button? yes, i would think that. what is taking you so goddamn long to fill up my big $ bag? yes, i would think that too. should i now get nekkid? not so much. i am disappointed in the morning call police beat blotter monkey. come on, now, bernstein's watergate piece started as a little police blotter story.

2. or b. how or why the hell would you then leave your clothes if you strip during an, ahem, armed robbery? i mean, the APB would just say, guy in boxers. look for a guy in boxers.

3. or c. couldn't they clearly see that he didn't have a weapon? he was nekkid. i mean, we all gotta weapon, baby, but it ain't robbing no store.

4. or d. instead of showing off your incredibly large, distinctive tattoo, would you not want to hide that shit? the dude has an "hour-glass shaped tattoo on his back from his neck to his waist". HUH?!?! did i read that correctly? excuse me APB actually would be. look for a guy in boxer shorts, a yankee's cap and a HUGE FUCKING GREEN TATTOO on his back. the shape is moot. you will find your man.

5. or e. what does a flowery hunting design of ducks and dogs actually look like? (really, just curious)