oh, the morning call, always a wealth of blog fodder.

so, i'm just perusing the police beat section of the morning call, the nation's favorite hometown paper, when i read this headline,

2 Rifles, Fop Flag Missing From Police Office

i was like, wow, the headline writers at the morning call are really being judgemental and harsh. it might as well read really faggy flag stolen from the police office. but no, really, my first thought was, what the fuck is a Fop flag? yeah, i know now too. they mean fraternal order of police. It's FOP, dude. when you are using an acronym you must capitalize all the letters. otherwise, what it actually says is that 2 rifles and a flag owned by "a man who is preoccupied with and often vain about his clothes and manners; a dandy*" was stolen from the police headquarters.

also, this headline and brief description is going to haunt the 18 year old bangor man for the rest of his days. can you imagine doing this stupid assanine crime, you get arrested after easton police have clearly done some serious policing, and then the brief description of your sentencing says that your mom was crying? could you feel any worse? i mean, this makes you instantly catholic. it just sucks. i just have to say, arrested in a bb gun vandalism spree at 18, with a front page headine in the morning call, to me, seems like punishment enough. plus, everytime he dates a chick and they talk late into the night after a rousing make out session, and she asks in her i'm-into-you-and-want-to-know-everything-about-you way if he's ever been arrested for anything, he will have to answer, if he sees a future with her, yeah, for random acts of vandalism with a bb gun. he is so not getting laid.

man who serenaded police found guilty of fifth dui offense

there are so many reasons why i love this story, and why i love this story being covered by the morning call. firstly, you don't really even need the end of that headline, i mean, i think once you write "man who serenaded police found guilty" we can pretty much figure out what the crime is. the homeless caught driving drunk (good lord!) perhaps only in allentown would a homeless man have a car, let alone drive it drunk. so, dude began singing a neil young medley, and playing air guitar. really, who hasn't this happened to at some point in their life? i mean, the drunken neil young medley...besides the fact that neil  young has been trying to kill me for a good 16 years, i am still a fan of harvest moon, you know. at any rate, the morning call needs to covers stories like this because the morning call has a sort of maniacal dedication to reporting all the details that we didn't actually need to know. what song the dude was singing to the cops actually has NO BEARING whatsoever on what the story is actually about. still, it's amusing and it makes me happy. case and point:

Police took Stires to the DUI processing center in Easton, where defendants are videotaped. Stires in the video is seated in a raised chair, waiting to have blood drawn.

''All you guys are cool with me,'' Stires says in the video. Asked how much he had to drink, Stires begins singing. ''Keep on rockin' in the free world,'' he warbles, stomping his left foot and pretending he has a guitar.

''All right,'' he says, ''Let's go to another one.'' He performs another Neil Young hit, ''Needle and the Damage Done,'' again accompanying himself on an invisible guitar.

''Listen,'' he says. ''I want this whole department to know, you're the best.''

he actually sounds like a nice guy who just happened to steal a car and get rip roaring drunk, which seems to be a habit of his. they must of loved him at the processing center. i will bet you a hundred bucks one of the cops said something like, "okay, sinatra, let's go."
* definition from dictionary.com