the differences between most viewed and most emailed, boys and girls

i admit that i enjoy the yahoo news feature called photos. really, it makes me laugh that it is in the news section, because most of the photos are shit, and ridiculous stupid pop culture shit at that. the picture to the left, for example, are the mascots for the 2006, or 2008 i didn't read the fucking story or caption, beijing olympics, which looks like the picture on those weird sushi candies that anna gets for me in chinatown. i love those candies. DAMN. mmmm, gummy hamachi. now, i can't concentrate on my post because i'm thinking of bad candy. mmmmm, okay, focus. i blame the superfriends and the smurfs, and schoolhouse fucking rock, not starbucks, for my adult adhd.

ANYWAY, my point is that the yahoo photos are great for being, you know, shallow. and empty. and bad. i try to get a sense of what those humans find interesting (always on the pulse of america, i am). so what i really find interesting is the most emailed vs. most viewed pages. i mean, you could do a fucking dissertation in psychology and sociology about this. today, i broke down the two page ones of these features, and drew some conclusions.

ON the most emailed photos thumbnail page, there are 20 photos. Of those 20, seven are animal photos, four are of the hottie teacher in florida who is on trial for schtumpping her student and pleasuring him orally while his friends and cousins looked on (HOT DAMN, that's a story!), three are of cars and/or motorcycles which may or may not have a woman in a bikini on it, two are mariah carey's very ample bosom, two are landscapes, and two are of bush making a stupid face. so, for those keeping track at home, the animal shots win in the most emailed photos. cute animal shots.

however, on the most viewed section, SEVEN are of the blond teacher, three are of cars and/or motorcycles which may or may not have a half nekkid woman sprawled across it, two are of mariah's boobies, two are of jennie mccarthy's boobies, one of hilary duff sitting on a boy, one of lindsay lohan pretending to sing, one is of a dead guy in iraq, one is a weird shot of a church and two are of cutesy animals.

let's review, shall we? the most emailed photos are mostly of cute animals, like the ringtailed lemur above. clearly, the woman i work with are the ones emailing photos to each other and setting them as fuckin' screensavers, which just begins my fucking rage within, as you know. the most viewed, however, is like a little peek into every man's brain. NOONE knows what you view, right? i mean, you can just look at the yahoo news section photos in your history. so, my conclusions--boys view TONS more yahoo photos than girls. so they click on the teacher, think, 'dude she's hot. i would have been so psyched to have been banging my hottie teacher if she looked like that when i was 14. let's see another angle. and another one. wait, let's go back to the first one'. but guys, pretty much keep that shit to themselves. the occassional random dickhead emails a pic with the message text, 'DUDE, check out mariah's boobies.'  to me, the breakdown of most emailed clearly points to the fact that mostly women email photos to each other. like, 'AH, that's cute. i gotta send that to helen.' so, what do we surmise? women think about others, and what they might find interesting, and email that off to other people; whereas, men are self-absorbed pigs who enjoy privately getting off on jennie mccarthy or teachers who look like jennie mccarthy who do a little boom boom with 14 year old kids. but we all kind of knew that already, right?

oh, the morning call, always a wealth of blog fodder.

so, i'm just perusing the police beat section of the morning call, the nation's favorite hometown paper, when i read this headline,

2 Rifles, Fop Flag Missing From Police Office

i was like, wow, the headline writers at the morning call are really being judgemental and harsh. it might as well read really faggy flag stolen from the police office. but no, really, my first thought was, what the fuck is a Fop flag? yeah, i know now too. they mean fraternal order of police. It's FOP, dude. when you are using an acronym you must capitalize all the letters. otherwise, what it actually says is that 2 rifles and a flag owned by "a man who is preoccupied with and often vain about his clothes and manners; a dandy*" was stolen from the police headquarters.

also, this headline and brief description is going to haunt the 18 year old bangor man for the rest of his days. can you imagine doing this stupid assanine crime, you get arrested after easton police have clearly done some serious policing, and then the brief description of your sentencing says that your mom was crying? could you feel any worse? i mean, this makes you instantly catholic. it just sucks. i just have to say, arrested in a bb gun vandalism spree at 18, with a front page headine in the morning call, to me, seems like punishment enough. plus, everytime he dates a chick and they talk late into the night after a rousing make out session, and she asks in her i'm-into-you-and-want-to-know-everything-about-you way if he's ever been arrested for anything, he will have to answer, if he sees a future with her, yeah, for random acts of vandalism with a bb gun. he is so not getting laid.

man who serenaded police found guilty of fifth dui offense

there are so many reasons why i love this story, and why i love this story being covered by the morning call. firstly, you don't really even need the end of that headline, i mean, i think once you write "man who serenaded police found guilty" we can pretty much figure out what the crime is. the homeless caught driving drunk (good lord!) perhaps only in allentown would a homeless man have a car, let alone drive it drunk. so, dude began singing a neil young medley, and playing air guitar. really, who hasn't this happened to at some point in their life? i mean, the drunken neil young medley...besides the fact that neil  young has been trying to kill me for a good 16 years, i am still a fan of harvest moon, you know. at any rate, the morning call needs to covers stories like this because the morning call has a sort of maniacal dedication to reporting all the details that we didn't actually need to know. what song the dude was singing to the cops actually has NO BEARING whatsoever on what the story is actually about. still, it's amusing and it makes me happy. case and point:

Police took Stires to the DUI processing center in Easton, where defendants are videotaped. Stires in the video is seated in a raised chair, waiting to have blood drawn.

''All you guys are cool with me,'' Stires says in the video. Asked how much he had to drink, Stires begins singing. ''Keep on rockin' in the free world,'' he warbles, stomping his left foot and pretending he has a guitar.

''All right,'' he says, ''Let's go to another one.'' He performs another Neil Young hit, ''Needle and the Damage Done,'' again accompanying himself on an invisible guitar.

''Listen,'' he says. ''I want this whole department to know, you're the best.''

he actually sounds like a nice guy who just happened to steal a car and get rip roaring drunk, which seems to be a habit of his. they must of loved him at the processing center. i will bet you a hundred bucks one of the cops said something like, "okay, sinatra, let's go."
* definition from dictionary.com

i pity the fool who sends me left instead of right.

this is perhaps one of the coolest ideas evah. mr. t to offer voice for the onstar service. wouldn't it be cool if it were william shatner? still, i love the idea of mr. t giving directions in your car. for my in car voice, though, i might pick jacques cousteau, his namesake. or like james earl jones or something. it's like that idea that jeanine garofalo had about having her answering machine be wilfred brimley's voice says, "don't worry, cupcake, he doesn't know what he's missing."

ants suck, too.

Ants Reportedly Eat Woman's Eye in India

From Associated Press

November 15, 2005 8:30 AM EST 

 

NEW DELHI - A woman died in a Calcutta hospital after ants ate one of her eyes as she was recovering from a cornea operation, media reports said Tuesday.

Gauri Chakraborty, 55, had complained of terrible pain after the operation at a state-run hospital, but a nurse told her it was normal and left her unattended, her son Soumen told the Press Trust of India news agency.

He said that when her bandage was removed the next day they found big black ants nibbling at her eye, PTI reported.

"She died a ghastly death. We don't even know the reason of her death," Amitabha Kar, Chakraborty's son-in-law told PTI.



i'll tell you amitabha kar, why she died,  she died from having her fucking eye eaten by ants. holy fuck. i mean, i would have a heart attack once i realized that was happening. that is like the worst death ever. it gives me the willies and the shivers and the shakes. ICK. when i was pre-five. i must have been 4 because we lived in south allentown, i was playing outside and a big black ant, of which many lived near that house, bit my finger when i was playing with him. i guess, perhaps i wasn't playing with him in his mind. and now, in my memory, the incident is huge, like the ant had huge chompers and bit the whole tip off, but i distinctly remember him biting me, like a cartoon. okay, my memory has made the ant into a cartoon, but besides the point. i guess my point being, all you have learned about ants, FORGET. they aren't hardworking insects intent on propagating their nests, they are eye-eating murderers. word.

rich kids suck

from page six of the new york post as reported on defamer. November 15, 2005 -- PARIS Hilton's new pet monkey, Baby Luv, went bananas when she took the peeved primate on a lingerie shopping spree in Las Vegas last weekend. We're told that Baby Luv bit Hilton and clawed her face when she walked into the Agent Provocateur shop at Caesars on Saturday with the beast on her shoulder. Paris managed to pull Baby Luv off her and hooked his leash to a cabinet while she rang up $4,000 worth of bras and panties and a bullwhip, says our eyewitness.
 
i want a monkey. the fact that paris hilton has a fucking monkey makes me question all sense of justice i have come to accept and believe. why does baby jesus hate me? right now, i hate everything. if i had a monkey right now, i would slam my hand on my desk and yell, "monkey, coffee and a handkerchief for heavy weeping. go." but i don't, and that makes me sadder.

careful, or joey jones might steal your number# 42 afternoon shift driver card, superstar of the walnut street routes.

yes, that's right. i am only giving you a public service announcement since joey jones stole my fucking tony dorsett football card in 1984 and i'm still bitter about it. still, that isn't the point, just consider it free advice from a girl and her cards.

nothing beats the idea of septa trading cards in the realm of stupid fucking useless advertising marketing ideas. yeah, that's right, next on the septa marketing horseshit train are septa worker trading cards. you TOO can own a card featuring your favorite surly septa worker. i'm not sure who huttle is, but good lord, i don't want to meet that gary bussey looking mutherfucker in a dark alley. can anyone say leather and ball gag? just saying, some people you can pin that shit on, and huttle is one of them. anyway, if i can go back to the rant, holy fucking shit, do we need this? who are they trying to kid? these people aren't super stars, they are the meanest bunch of fucking whiners.

 do you think we are going to forget having to walk for a week? NO. we BOOED santa claus. you think we are going to start collecting cards reminding us that you hate us.

quote from the article in inky poo:

"thanks to a $600,000 SEPTA ad campaign featuring employee trading cards and expressions of Philly loving. Conductors detail the finer points of cheesesteaks wit (and witout), and drivers wax poetic about gravy "cooked all Sunday morning after church." Collect them all!
"The ad campaign offers a unique sample of the language, traditions and 'ad-di-tude' (sic) that is 'Genuine Philly,' " says a SEPTA news release."

there are so many things wrong with those paragraphs, i am not really sure where to begin. first of all--expressions of philly loving? what the fuck? this is philadelphia we are talking about, right? pennsylvania? where i have lived on and off for 14 years? who's loving who here? i mean, if you aren't scoring touchdowns, we could give two shits. plus, is this love from us for our busdrivers? i'm a cyclist, if a busdriver doesn't aim for me at least one time a day, i feel sort of empty, but not unloved.

talking wit or witout? if i have to hear this overused, tired, ridiculous phrase as sort of a quintessential philly phrase again, i think my head is going to actually explode all over the orange line express train. and gravy? noone but people who try to pretend they are south philly italians use the phrase gravy cooked sunday morning after church. are you fucking kidding me? we are more than the sum of our cheesesteaks and sauces. we are more than our fattening food here in philly. we are about berating public sports figures. not taking celebrity or god too seriously. we work hard. we play hard. we drink a lot of yuengling. we like it that way. we will support you 100% if you work and play with heart, but start your tired old bullshit, and we call you on that shit.

genuine philly? i'll give you genuine philly--quit your fucking whining, you overpaid piece of shit public transit driver. considering you are constantly in the hole, septa, and every station smells like tinkle, and your workers could seriously use some anger therapy to deal with their feelings of inadequacy at having to work for septa, do you really think $600,000 for an advertising campaign that will undoubtedly be mocked by an entire city hellbent on knocking you and yours down a couple of pegs was a hot idea? i mean, you just seriously fucked the city here for a week. that means economic stalemate, workers stuck and unable to feed their kids, noone getting to sporting events. you don't need to advertise. you have a fucking monopoly. you clearly are giving us substandard services, charging us the highest fares in the country, and not even offering convenient routes, and yet you still brought the city to a standstill. you don't have to advertise. maybe a clean fucking station not teeming with plague-ridden rats and homeless schizophrenic lyndon larouche supporters is really the best advertising you can have.

no, no, listen, now, i'm all about power to the people, unions, all that kind of shit, but i gotta pay for my health insurance, and then have to listen to the suburban people complain about how they are coming into the city, all day long i heard about this last week. YOU INCONVENIENCED ME, SEPTA, AND THAT MAKES ME UPSET. your cards don't make me feel better. seeing the faces of the people who constantly hang on my biking ass and beep, swerve into me, don't say good morning, won't give me change when i need to buy tokens, tell me not to go out the front door, all those people suck. i would only collect their cards from some hoodoo santaria ritual. whew. i'm tired.

so in case y'all missed some jackass's fifteen minutes, this guy todd got on espn behind lee corso's blathering for a long enough time to make people cheer a drunk guy. who hasn't wanted to do this in the most lizard part of their brain. i think it everytime i hear john madden fucking talk. so this appeared initially on rammerjammeryellow hammer. and they hilariously got an exclusive interview with todd the lee corso is a penis guy. the interview is just great, because it is exactly what you want it to be. por ejemplo:

RJYH: How'd the sign come about? And why, in your opinion, is Lee Corso "a penis," and not some other derogatory term or body part?
Todd: Being a Bulldawg fan my whole life I have noticed that the press never gives us or any team in the SEC enough credit. Especially Lee Corso. When he picks UGA to win we refer to it as "Corso's Curse." It's just hard for me to watch year after year as everyone on ESPN Game Day overlooks the SEC -- especially Corso. Which is what makes him a penis. I guess there are a few other phrases that could capture Corso, but penis fits best.