if i were a little pony, i would be this one.

yeah, i am currently all about the candy canes. i mean, i have a self-imposed limit of one candy cane a day, and during lunch hour, after downing like an andre the giant size meatloaf lunch with this wicked good gorgonzola sauce, asparagus and sweet potatoes of pain, i went a lookin' for my one allotted candy cane. no. where. shivers. shakes. it was no place to be found. i eventually recovered it from the pocket of my jacket when i was headed out to buy a box. why am i so so insane? i mean, it's christmas, yes. it's shoved down our throats and everything, and i am totally shepeople. a perfect marketing target audience for santa and all his clauses, que no? i can't get enough. ubermensch has got the ray coniff singers crooning their stupid saturday night special on abc crap on infinite repeat. i am wearing red everyday and currently on the prowl for some rocking holiday ribbon for my homemade wreath. if i buy anything with a snowman on it, and say, it is so cute, y'all have officially earned the right to buy me a pack of cigarettes, a fifth of j.d., and tie me to a christmas tree beating me incessantly with wrapped gifts until i get bitter and angst-y again.

all that being said, i am going to get HUGE. the fact of it is that it was minus 1 degree out there this morning with the wind chill factor (read: i haven't been riding my bike). i mean, my ass is not getting any smaller with all the candy canes. AND then, starbucks, the bane of my existence and my only source of joy, begin the death march of chub. egg nog lattes. yep. a venti egg nog latte contains 530 calories. FIVE HUNDRED AND THIRTY. in case you care, that's almost six glasses of wine or five shots of bourbon. my current second addiction right now: petite cookies. OH, they seem innocuous enough. and only 40 calories per ccookie. look at them. little powdered sugar vixens. how they mock me. but they are the devil. i can't get enough of them i heart them. i want to tongue kiss them. i know there are all kind of them gingerbread, chocolate (blech-y), raspberry, but no, i am currently obsessed with the peppermint ones. and only 40 calories sure i can eat a couple. i just ate 8 of them. all at one shot, with an egg nog latte and followed by the candy cane.

the shizzle. i'm telling you. i'm a fucking cow, but i am in a zen-like state of happy christmas world.

i know you want to mock me relentlessly. go ahead, skinny head, you better do it now, since i am fat and complacent, and currently unable to chase you kids down with a candy cane in my mouth, egg nog latte in my hand, and powdered sugar will leave finger prints on your pummeled form, you lucky bastard, but just so you know, i am bitter and angry about being not bitter and angry. and i will sit on you, if i catch you, you skinny biatch. word.