why am i such a misfit?

i am not just a nitwit. oh, fuck it, yes i am. feliz navidad, merry christmas and all that other shit.

so, yeah, it's the beginning of the holiday season with snow this weekend and last night. of course, just to highlight my own ineptitude, i had no idea it was going to snow until i was already at work with my bike. so, yeah, it really is starting to feel festive in these here parts.

yesterday, i really began to realize it was the holidays when i took a half dozen overdue bills over to the post office. i mean, i'm lazy about bureacracy and, like, walking during lunch and stuff, so they had been piling up. why, you ask? you, a responsible adult, uberwensch, with a real, big person job in a tall building. well, honestly, i gots the fucking money, okay? i was out of stamps. I ADMIT IT. i didn't pay my bills and collected late fees, because i'm fucking lazy and i hate the post office in downtown philly at lunch hour. so, i decide to finally suck it up all in the name of my credit rating (thanks, anna, for awareness of that) and walk over at 1:15p. certainly things would have calmed down by then.

if you thought that, you are just plain stupid. dumb. because no, no, it was madness over there. like, are they giving out blow jobs with first class insurance? there were two lines, one from the front desk which was to the door, and another for the stamp dude, and that was to the front counter and then back to the door again. i basically looked in and said, 'holy fuck. i'm too old for this sh--.' (yeah, clearly, i'm in a danny glover movie.) but there were like people who were aged 150 in there, and i thought, 'come on now, suck it up.' but i couldn't. i simply, absolutely could not stand in line. or i would have died. so, i look around desperately clutching my pgw bill. where? where do i go? i can't take them back to work. i would be such a huge idget. there was no line at the machine, YES. so i bought just enough stamps from the little machines, because i only had two bucks (yes, you are right, that is just enough for a cup of coffee at starbies).

so then, i realize i haven't sent my christmas cards yet. (or bought ANY gifts for that matter.) or done anything. this is the kind of stuff that makes people have anxiety attacks, change their name and move to topeka under the name jane koslowski. so, maybe noone will get cards this year. or perhaps everyone gets 50 bucks. i finally understand that lazy ass uncle i had who just stuffed 10 bucks in a white envelope with no name on it. like whichever kid shows up gets an envelope. it didn't feel special, but who cares?

today, since my officemate is out sick with the gout (i shit you not. it's like when will had the shingles. i told everyone because i just wanted to say, 'yeah, will has the shingles real bad.') so, i am blaring the traditional christmas music via yahoo music launch. great music. i mean, i have not heard one instance of celine dion singing 'oh holy night'. is that not glorious? does that not prove the miracle of baby jesus right there? i mean, do your fucking ears bleed when she sings or what? i will not listen to mariah carey massacre any traditional tunes. i refuse. and 104.5 only plays the fucking crapass pop music christmas music. i mean, the funkiest i get is perhaps bowie's christmas song. or do they know it's christmas in africa? i mean, do they? it's the age old question. i can listen to rosemary clooney sing anything fifty times in a row, but one fucking sap rap version of 'silent night', and i am like in ohio highway road rage, you know?

so, this has adequately gotten me in the mood for putting up the christmas tree tonight. i'm too excited. and while i have been writing this blog, i have also ordered my first on-line gift--something for ubermensch. it's all going to be okay. now, pass the damn figgy pudding.